Jupiter Ascending (2015)

Rating: 1/10 (Call the plumber).



Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) is an everyday Russian toilet scrubber (not an insult, just her job) living with her family in Chicago.  After finding out she is the heiress of an intergalactic noble family, she must fight to save the earth from destruction, but not without the help of Caine (Channing Tatum), a half-wolf hunter who has trouble keeping his shirt on.


MPAA Rating:

Rated PG-13 for action, suggestive behaviour and partial nudity – discounting a rubbish space orgy there is only one bum visible in the movie… and it’s quite nice.


Costume change number... 12?
Costume change number… 12?

Where to begin?  Ok, so Jupiter Jones (Kunis) is an ordinary Russian girl living in Chicago, scrubbing toilets for a living.  She lives with her mum (Maria Doyle Kennedy), aunt and probably every other relative she has.  Her dad (James D’Arcy) was a nerd who liked to stare at the stars and gets killed during a robbery when he puts the importance of owning a telescope over the safety of his family.  Take note nerds, just let them take the damn telescope!





Think of a number between 1 and 10
Think of a number between 1 and 10

Living a pretty miserable life, Jupiter’s cousin decides its a great idea for her to sell her eggs to a fertility clinic for a hefty fee (which her cousin gets the bulk of).  Jupiter agrees, but only because she has her eye on… guess what? A telescope!  Although this one may be made out of solid gold, I couldn’t tell.  Things go south at the clinic and some weird alien things called keepers and a couple of bounty hunters attempt to kill Jupiter.





Not even the Tates can make rollerblading look cool
Not even the Tates can make rollerblading look cool

A mysterious lad named Caine (Tatum) shows up on some hover rollerblades and saves her, indiscriminately vaporizing all of the keeper dudes, but that’s fine because they don’t really look like us.  Whisking her away to the top of the Willis Tower, Caine explains that Jupiter is the reincarnation of Seraphi Abrasax – the mother of a powerful intergalactic noble family, of which there are three siblings, two lads and a lady.  He also explains that he is a human mixed with the DNA of a wolf using a process called “splicing”.  Even with that knowledge on board, Jupiter still gets the hots for him.  Caine has been tasked with bringing Jupiter to Titus, one of the Abrasax lads, but before he can get to his ship some alien dudes wreck it so he instead brings her to an old colleague, Stinger (Sean Bean) – half human, half bee… I’m not making this up,  I swear!



Did you know? Most house fires originate in the room full of a million lit candles
Did you know? Most house fires originate in the room full of a million lit candles

From there, Jupiter heads off to space where the plot inexplicably twists and turns with only the Wachowskis really knowing what’s happening.  Jupiter and Caine are forced into tighter and tighter clothes as they try and uncover the true motives of the Abrasaxes (Abrasaxi?).  Will Jupiter get to quit her toilet scrubbing post?  Will the Abrasax siblings accept Caine as their new step dad/dog?  Should the Wachowskis make another movie, like ever?






  • Mila Kunis as man’s only remaining hope?  I can get on board with that


  • Em…. everything else really



Oh Wachowskis, what have you done??  If I had a time machine, there’s two things I would do:

  1. Go back and kill Hitler (that’s only fair)
  2. Go back to The Matrix wrap party and convince the Wachowskis never to make another movie.  How would I do it?  I dunno, maybe cyanide?

This movie is garbage – polished garbage with flashy lights, but garbage all the same.  Sooo much money was put into the CGI on this movie yet when they needed to make a character look old they seem to have taken advice from Eddie Murphy!  That would be easy to ignore if the story was any good but it’s not.  It’s awful.  Characters change allegiance so often it’s hard to keep track of who’s doing what, for who, or what’s going on at all really!  I asked myself “what’s going on?” so many times during this movie that I started to think “is it me?  am I to blame here?”.  Is it possible that this movie is so complex and sophisticated that my feeble brain couldn’t keep up?  Possible? yes; likely? no.  All that’s left now is for the customary sequels – Jupiter Ascended and Jupiter Reascending.  Do yourself a favour and avoid – 1/10

Movie Cricket

Stupid movies make me mad >:(

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