Lucy (2014)

Rating: 2/10 (Pooper scooper time).

 

Synopsis:

Lucy (Scarlett Johansson) is a student who is kidnapped by a Taiwanese Drug lord, Mr Jang (Min-sik Choi).  Mr Jang operates on Lucy and inserts a package of mysterious drugs into her abdomen so she can bring them overseas without the attention of the authorities.  But some idiot hits her a kick in the belly, spilling the drugs, which her body then absorbs giving her elevated brain usage, which she decides to put to good use by tracking down Mr Jang to kill him.

 

MPAA Rating:

Rated R for strong violence, disturbing images, and sexuality – or does the R stand for Rubbish?

 

Plot:
She means business
She means business

Lucy is a happy go lucky American student living in Taiwan who, for some reason, dresses like a prostitute.  It’s not confirmed whether she is or not, I’m just saying she dresses like one.  Her boyfriend (who dresses like a cowboy, if you’re interested), is a douche and convinces her into delivering a briefcase to a hotel.  When she tries to deliver the briefcase she is grabbed by several burly dudes who drag her upstairs to see Mr Jang, aka Stereotypical Asian Bad Dude.  Mr Jang is in the middle of butchering some lad who looked at him funny (just so there’s no mistaking he’s a bad guy) but takes the time to welcome Lucy, offering her a job.  Before she knows it, they’ve knocked her out, inserted a bag of blue drugs in her abdomen and given her plane tickets.

 

 

 

 

Pew pew pew
Pew pew pew

Then, though I’m not sure why, they chain her to a wall and one of the thugs tries to have his way with her.  Lucy resists and he gives her a beating for good measure, inadvertently puncturing the bag of drugs in her belly.  The drugs leak out into Lucy’s system and her body absorbs them, sending her into a mad old dance about the room where gravity and laws of physics are kicked aside with little regard.  But, she comes around and then goes on a killing spree.

 

 

 

 

Luc just called, he said we have to do Lucy 2!
Luc just called, he said we have to do Lucy 2!

Turns out the drugs, when taken in large doses, increase brain capacity allowing Lucy to do some crazy shit like feel no pain, do kung fu and really hard maths problems.  Lucy decides that the best use for her new power is to find Mr Jang and stab him a couple of times, so she sets about doing that.

Morgan Freeman is also in this movie as a Professor in Paris who teaches about the possibilities if we could increase our brain capacity.  He confidently states crappy pseudo science as facts in front of a large theatre of impressionable students – but he does it all in a Morgan Freeman voice so it’s all cool.

Will Lucy get to Mr Jang and blow his tiny mind before the effects of the drug wear off?  Will eating the blue packet of dishwasher salt under the sink increase my brain capacity?  Only one way to find out!

 

 

 

Pros:
  • …short, I guess.  Only 89 minutes, but some would argue that’s 88 minutes too many
Cons:
  • Too many to list.  One of the most confidently stupid movies I’ve watched in a while

 

Verdict:

What dirt does Luc Besson have on Scarlett JoJo and Morgan FreeFree?  Whatever it is I hope to random deity that this movie is considered debt paid!  They seem to have taken the story from Limitless, added a twist of Matrix and a whole heap of horse shit, blended it all up and spread it evenly on film.  At least with Limitless the story was a bit credible, but as with most Luc Besson films, this has a flair for the ridiculous.  The funniest thing about it is that in order to enjoy this movie your brain needs to be operating at a lesser capacity – I’d estimate 2% at best, the level where your best friend is a swing and you have just enough cop on to stop you sticking your finger into the toaster repeatedly.  Anything over that and basic logic will probably override any of the fun.   2/10

Movie Cricket

Stupid movies make me mad >:(

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