Maggie (2015)

Rating: 4.5/10 (A simple one flush will do).

 

Synopsis:

Maggie (Abigail Breslin) is teenage girl in Midwest America who contracts a necrotic virus that turns people into zombies.  Her father, Wade (Arnold Schwarzenegger), sticks by her side as she progresses through the transition from happy go lucky teenager to cold blooded zombie face.

 

MPAA Rating:

PG-13 – because it has zombies but they’re pretty tame.

 

Plot:
Give it to me straight Doc
Give it to me straight Doc

Wade Vogel’s (Schwarzenegger) daughter, Maggie (Breslin), contracts a deadly necrotic virus that is turning people into cannibalistic zombies in an all too slow and painful fashion.  Distressed by the diagnosis, Maggie leaves home but is tracked down at a hospital by Wade.  Wade brings Maggie home to her step mother Caroline (Joely Richardson) and step siblings.  Here Wade decides he will look after Maggie as her health slips away.

 

 

 

 

ZOMBIE RAMPAGE!! Well... not quite
ZOMBIE RAMPAGE!! Well… not quite

Caroline decides this is a bit nuts and high tails for her sisters with the kids, leaving Wade to look after Maggie.  During this time…. Maggie…. doesn’t do… much.   Neither does Wade really.  There’s a lot of sitting and hugging and some crying.  At one point Wade threatens some law men with physical violence… I guess that’s something.  Basically Wade kinda sits around wondering if he should blast a cap in her head for almost the entire movie

 

 

 

 

 

Get to da chopping! (See what I did there?)
Get to da chopping! (See what I did there?)

Will Maggie succumb to the virus and chow down on what’s left of Arnie’s brain?  Will Wade have to leave against his daughter’s will just so he can utter those three faithful words (you know the ones) and then they can put that scene in the trailer and people might go watch the movie?  If there was actually a zombie epidemic in the midwest would anybody even notice?

 

 

 

 

Pros:
  • Abigail Breslin isn’t bad, but then she just had to act like a moody teenager most of the time
  • Low budget, which means Arnie didn’t stick the boot in with his bill and it gives a relatively unknown director a chance to make a mark with a big name cast – which was nice

 

Cons:
  • Arnie trying to be a serious actor again 🙁
  • More excessive colour grading – I’m pretty sure the midwest isn’t dark grey/blue in the summer time

 

Verdict:

Do you remember when Arnie didn’t take himself or his shitty movies too seriously and as a result they were enjoyable… well… some of them were.  Normally I’d applaud an actor for breaking away from type and showing another side but I think that ship has long sailed for the Governator.  Know what you’re good at Arnold, which at this point is probably bit parts and cameos in action movies.

When I heard zombie movie and Arnold Schwarzenegger in the same sentence I envisaged one thing and one thing alone – Arnie, cigar in mouth, gatling gun at hip, mowing through thousands, nay millions of undead while blurting out ridiculous one-liners – eg. “Chew on this, Bennett” and “Hasta La Vista, Zombies”.  It would have made a pretty stupid movie, but one I think I would have preferred to watch.  Alas, one of the only fight scenes in this movie involves a tired looking Arnold pulling a man’s hair in order to get on top.  He… pulls… his…. hair!

But, I put those expectations aside after the first few minutes when it was clear that Arnie wasn’t going to blow up at some stage and go on a good old rampage.  Instead this movie ticks along at the speed you’d expect from something set in the midwest – somewhere between a tumbleweed and a mule pulling a plough.  Basically they’re going for a Sophie’s Choice type affair but it drags along too slowly to make it interesting  4.5/10

Movie Cricket

Stupid movies make me mad >:(

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