Oblivion (2013)

Rating: 4/10 (A simple one flush will do).

 

Synopsis:

Jack and Victoria are the only two people left on the planet after a nuclear war with an alien race.  It’s their job to keep drones in operation so that enough sea water can be extracted and brought to Titan, one of Saturn’s moons along with other survivors who orbit the earth in a giant pyramid thing called a Tet.  Don’t argue people, that’s pure science right there!  But uh oh, a spaceship lands on earth and the contents of which make Jack question everything he knows

 

MPAA Rating:

PG-13 for excessive use of Tom Cruise, silly story lines and a little bit of bum

 

Plot:
Pretty (pretty pointless that is)
Pretty (pretty pointless that is)

Right, so the year is 2077 and earth is a mess after a long war between an alien race called the Scavs and humans – animals it seems did not want to take sides, again.  After the Scavs destroyed almost all of Earth’s natural resources (well, what was left after we had our go) humans were forced to use nuclear weapons (cos we’re always so reluctant to do that) and now there’s not a whole lot left.  The survivors packed up their stuff and set off to their new home on Titan, a moon orbiting Saturn.  Why Titan?  Because it sounds cool, that’s why.  No other explanation required.

 

 

 

An engineer's nightmare
An engineer’s nightmare

A select few have stayed behind to harvest all of earth’s seawater to extract energy to bring with them to Titan and they inhabit a giant spaceship called the Tet which is in orbit around the earth.  Jack Harper (Tom Cruise) and Victoria Olsen (Andrea Riseborough) are earth’s only two remaining inhabitants, charged with repairing drones that protect the large water harvester dohicks.  They live in an apartment, on a pole, on a mountain, in the clouds.  Read that again so you can take it in.  Not only that, they have an outdoor swimming pool and it’s not even one bit windy or cold up there!  Even at night time!  Cool!

 

 

 

"Are you standing on a box again?"
“Are you standing on a box again?”

Jack discovers a beacon emitting from what’s left of the Empire States Building, and before he can shut it off a spaceship comes crashing down to earth.  Against Control’s orders, Jack goes to investigate and discovers a survivor – a mysteriously familiar woman named Julia (Olga Kurylenko).  Julia’s introduction to the group causes a rift between Jack and Victoria and soon everything Jack knows about the world and his existence comes into question.

 

 

 

 

I didn't even mention these guys!
I didn’t even mention these guys!

Are the Scavs really Scavs?  Is the Tet a Tet at all?  Will helmet-less Jack crash his bike into a rock like I hoped and the whole thing turn into Million Dollar Tommy?  Maybe in the director’s cut

 

 

 

 

 

Pros:
  • Visually stunning, the landscapes are awesome
Cons:
  • The story is pretty stupid, even for sci-fi.  Not so much plot holes as the whole thing basically making no sense
  • Tom Cruise is… Tom Cruise. Boring
  • Morgan Freeman’s sunglasses.  Seriously?

 

Verdict:

Ugh, another Tom Cruise vehicle to show us all how cool he is.  Did you know he does his own stunts?  Did you see him riding that electric scooter?  With no helmet or nothing too!  Wow, so cool! Even his names in these movies don’t vary too much, Jack Harper, Jack Reacher, Jerry Maguire (that last one might be a stretch).

Although, even if Tom Cringe was replaced by another actor (one that could actually act) in this movie it probably wouldn’t save it.  The whole premise is flawed from the start.  Just take the story we’re given – Earth is a wasteland after a nuclear blast and everyone has to go to Titan!?  Orbiting Saturn??  Do they know how cold and desolate that would be?  Who’s great idea was this?  They can no longer survive on earth but they could take all of earth’s water and travel roughly 1.4 billion kilometers to start a new life on an icy rock? Mental.

Add to the fact that Jack (no spoilers) finds a little oasis of life and flora in a cavern where he goes on his holidays, alone, and the fact that the area they are in is clearly radiation free, did they not think “Hold on a second, maybe we should tell everyone to come back, earth’s not too bad!”.  But no, Jack decides this is his private little holiday home and he’s going to enjoy it all by himself surrounded by late 20th century trinkets – none of those modern gizmos for Jack “too cool” Harper.  And that’s just the story we’re given at the beginning, things quickly go down hill from a story perspective once Julia arrives on scene, not to mention when Morgan Freeman and his friends show up.

I’m trying hard not to let the cat out of the bag on this one, but I want to give out about it so much I’m finding it difficult!  So….  many….  holes!!!  The only saving graces in this movie are the landscape visuals, the cool helicopter and the fact that Led Zeppelin is on the soundtrack.  The rest can go and f**k off with itself.  4/10

Movie Cricket

Stupid movies make me mad >:(

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