Pixels (2015)

Rating: 3/10 (Pooper scooper time).
 
Synopsis:

Aliens misinterpret a video of classic arcade games sent to space in the 80’s as an invitation to go to war and send down the characters to fight human kind in a deadly game of win or …lose I guess.  Cue four nerds, one of which is the president, to rediscover their gaming skills and defeat the never to be seen alien race before they destroy earth for no apparent reason other than they’re dicks.

 

MPAA Rating:

Rated PG-13 for some language and suggestive comments – no comments that suggest sticking Adam Sandler in a pair of cement shoes though (unfortunately)

 

Plot:
Sandler!?
Sandler!?

Sam Brenner is a 13 year old gamer in 1982.  And he’s good.  Real good!  He might just be the best!  But, he’s not.  That’s Eddie “Fire Blaster” Plant, who beats Sam at Donkey Kong at the arcade games world championship.  At the event, Dan Aykroyd tells everyone that NASA are sending a time capsule to outer space and they are going to include videos of arcade games – because if there is life on other planets I guess we want to show off our 8Bit graphics and midi techno music

 

 

 

 

Sandler???
Sandler???

Cut to the present day, 2015 I guess, and Sam’s life hasn’t panned out as he wanted: a 46 year old television installer who’s overweight, best friends with Kevin James and worst of all is Adam FUCKING Sandler.  Sounds like a horror movie I know.  Sam is installing a TV for some spoiled rich kid and takes a shine (if ya know what I mean) to his recently divorced mum, Violet.  Repulsed by his Adam Sandler-ness, she rejects his inappropriate advances and both have to rush off unexpectedly… to the white house.

 

 

 

 

 

SANDLER?!?
SANDLER?!?

Aliens, that have seen the videos sent in the time capsule, have decided that the footage contained was a declaration of war and decide to attack earth.  However, despite being clearly more advanced than us they decide to send down the video game characters they have seen from the capsule to fight us based on the rules of each individual game – why we sent footage of every arcade game in the 80’s is beyond me.

 

 

 

 

 

SAAANNNNDDDLLLEEERRR!?!?!?
SAAANNNNDDDLLLEEERRR!?!?!?

So, it is up to Sam, Will (who’s also US President) and Ludlow, their conspiracy theorist nerd friend, to team up with Eddie Plant to fight the aliens at their own game – which is to say, at our old games.  Using their old arcade game skills, without the use of any joystick or buttons whatsoever, they must overcome the alien forces, save the planet and somehow find love (because it wouldn’t be a happy ending if the nerds were still all sad and lonely at the end would it??)

Will Sam and co stop the alien forces before it’s too late?  Will Adam Sandler ever brush his teeth?  Are they planning a Pixels 2 – Donkey Kong’s Revenge? Can we stop them?

 

 

 

 

 

Pros:
  • I guess if you played arcade games in the 80’s you might get some pangs of nostalgia

 

Cons:
  • Probably too many to mention so I’ll summarize
  • Adam Sandler
  • Adam Sandler
  • Adam Fucking Sandler

 

Verdict:

Expectations are a funny thing.  They can completely shape our enjoyment of a movie before we’ve even seen the opening credits.  In a lot of cases this can be a bad thing – take Interstellar for example, expectations had led me to believe I was going to enjoy a highly scientific space movie and not the drivel filled version I was presented with.  This affected my enjoyment of the movie negatively, had I expected less I may have enjoyed the movie more.  In this case, it actually works in the movie’s favour though.  When you take into account the nonsensical plot and the general slating this movie has gotten, it would be hard to go in with any expectation other than “This will be shit”.  That expectation led me to enjoy this movie a modicum more that I would have had I been unaware of it’s mediocrity.   I mean, it’s still shit – just not as shit as I thought!

I do have to ask though: Michelle Monaghan, Peter Dinklage and Brian Cox are good actors; they’re well respected; they probably have a lot of money – what the hell are they doing in this!?  We expect it from the likes of Sandler (shudder) and Kevin James, but surely these three should have known better.  Personally, I blame their agents.  Hopefully it won’t damage their stock too much.

On a side note, I can’t help but think that in a movie where aliens attack earth in the guise of Pacman, Qbert and Donkey Kong that the most unbelievable thing is Kevin James as president.  Only watch if you are really really bored people. 3/10

Movie Cricket

Stupid movies make me mad >:(

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